Conservative group Citizens For Values have called out against the hit Halloween song “Monster Mash”. The group’s list of complaints include references to the occult, re-animation, and the fact that the lyrics suggest that Dracula has a son.
“The Monster Mash is an attack on traditional family values, dead people cannot get married, and therefore Dracula cannot be a father. That is, unless he had a son when he was alive, and then bit his son as a child, and that’s a whole different story” said CFV spokes woman Korynne MacDonald. MacDonald also stated that Halloween should be a time where children are reminded that the evils in this world are not to be “toyed with”. MacDonald and her group are urging radio advertiser and the general public to censure any radio station playing the song, which topped the charts for the first time in 1962, and has been a seasonal favourite ever since.
The movement has gained support from public figures known for their contempt of fun, including Mayor of Toronto Roy Fort, conservative television pundit Annie Couterrio and Westboro Baptist Church spokesperson Shigley Pheese.
“Liberals are stupid, anyone with a brain knows that skeletons can’t dance. Look at my body, it can barely support my head, do you think that skeletons or other un-dead creatures could do any sort of dance?” said Couterrio in an unsolicited comment. While Couterrio is more concerned with how the song portrays her and other ghouls, Shelley Pheese of the notorious Westboro Baptist Church was concerned about the song’s ties to homosexuals.
“Whoever wrote that song was probably a fag, the whole music industry is populated by fags, if we don’t stop these fags, every song on the radio will be a seasonal novelty song. God hates fags, and seasonal novelty songs, don’t get me started on those fags the Chipmunks and their faggy christmas songs.” said the anti-homosexuality activist who is best known for protesting military funerals with signs denouncing… you guessed it “Fags”. In a public press release Toronto Mayor Roy Fort called the song “Unfunny and stupid” and said that it’s references to the occult were in bad taste.
When attempts were made to contact Fort, he locked his door, called 911 and smashed his phone when his call was not taken seriously. According to Toronto emergency services, Fort’s call was ignored in light of his reaction to a “This Hour has 22 Minutes” prank. A spokesperson for Toronto emergency services stated that Fort attempted to call 911 using fake voices and names, including Ron Chevy, the City of Toronto Graveyard Inspector. Finally Fort gave up his attempts commenting finally:
“Shelley was right, you guys are a bunch of fags”
In the face of this right wing oppression, Monster Mash has been voted as the official Halloween anthem for the global Occupy movement.
“I feel terrible, it wasn’t until the 99% tried to oppress the Monster Mash that I realized. Monsters are poor too, they are the 1% of the 1%, and we welcome any zombies, animated skeletons, or vampires to come down and join the protests… As long as the zombie and vampires don’t mind eating vegan.” said a source who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0R_oDEvYUY
- Jaron James is a freelance reporter/comedian/musician/artist writing in hopes that no one takes too much offense to this article which is clearly a parody.
